Recently, as I transcribed my 2010 journal onto the computer, I came upon the long entry that led to this post last Mother’s Day. When I read it this time, though, I realized the forever freedom Jesus lovingly brought me into through that unexpected journey with my journal. I am not the same in many ways, all because of His grace, and no longer have upsetting dreams about my mother, either. The past is really the past for me now, no longer affecting my present or my future.
For those of you who might have some unsettled mother issues, may you begin to find Jesus’ healing touch through my story.
It happened so unexpectedly. On the way home from a pleasant gathering at a friend’s house for one of those in-home sales parties, I decided to listen to Focus on the Family as they aired a special Mother’s Day broadcast. At the end of the show, Holy Spirit stirred me to write a letter to my mother for Mother’s Day – completely unexpected, since she’s been gone for more than 23 years.
As I listened to the broadcast, I tried to put my finger on some good and happy times from my early years, without success. Though I know they were there, only the sad times stand out. I expected this letter would be a way of drawing out those happy memories. There again was the unexpected. My Daddy knew what I needed could only happen as I faced those sad memories with His love guiding me every step of the way.
Chronologically, I addressed the specific memories that overshadow the others – all in letter form. When I brought up the last memory, which happened during the last weeks of her too-short life, the tears flowed. Though I had forgiven her through the years as each of these things surfaced, it took this difficult and painful task to help me see the whole, rather than the individual parts. Only then could I get past my self-centered point of view. At that point, I realized my mother couldn’t give what she didn’t have – what she had never received – though it was available to her. I ached for the sadness in which she lived that could have been removed by knowing the unconditional love of her Father for her.
Daddy didn’t let me dwell there, though I had to get to that place of looking beyond my own pain to feel my mother’s pain, to have His compassion for her even now. Holy Spirit then directed me to declare that I am not responsible for my mother’s sadness, nor was I responsible for her happiness. It wasn’t that she expected me to make her happy or held me responsible for her sadness. That’s part of the lie the devil has fed my mind repeatedly over the years, but it’s been exposed, and I’ve been freed!
This session of the unexpected was not quite over, however. One more item to be dealt with, the thing that was really at the root of it all. You see, a deceptive thread had been woven through my life, with ever-increasing “proof” with each successive memory-maker, that I was abandoned – even up to my mother’s dying days. But God! Because of God, I declare that I am not abandoned, never have been abandoned, and never will be abandoned. Before He formed me in my mother’s womb, He knew me. All the days ordained for me were written by Him before ever I was born. Even if my father and mother forsook me, He never has and never will forsake me!1
Now the fruit of all this began to manifest. I thanked my Father (from my heart) for giving me the mother He gave me, and for her loving and raising me the best she knew how. Though the good memories haven’t yet returned (and may never), what is different now is the peace in my heart in the midst of the hurtful memories. Never again can they darken my present or my future as they have in the past! It’s as if I moved out of my flesh family more fully and moved more fully into my Daddy’s family – that one into which I’ve long-since been adopted through the blood of my Brother, Jesus Christ!
The unexpected interruption brought me through in an unexpected way to the expected end – greater freedom in Christ, greater compassion from Daddy’s heart for others, and greater awareness of His love. Glory to God forevermore!!!
1Psalm 139: 13, 16; Psalm 27:10 (Kay’s translation)