Have you ever been really angry? I know the answer is “Yes,” because we are all human. I think the thing that bothers me most in the midst of it is the seeming distance between the Lord and me – knowing I’m the one who is causing the separation. In one of my journals, when I read the following entry, written after another anger flare-up, the Lord reminded me there is no distance – even in my times of anger. What follows is the conversation I had (in pen and ink) with my Daddy. Please read His words to my heart (the italicized portions) as though they were written to you, for I believe they are for all of us:
. . . the big thing is the anger again. I don’t like it. And I don’t like fighting the forgiving. Even while I fight against it (and am miserable), I know I will forgive. So why do I hold on? I guess there’s just still so much flesh in me that hasn’t died, that still wants to scream about it not being fair or right, but that’s only because pride is helping me see myself as “in the right.” God, thank You for Your mercy! Jesus, thank You that You didn’t use my reasoning to avoid the cross – for You alone would have been absolutely right if You had. Holy Spirit, does it feel like a slap on Your face every time I have these tantrums?
I’m tougher than you think, Kay. Yes, it smarts a bit, but I see it coming and can prepare for it. What you don’t see is that I actually grab your hand when you flail at Me. I deflect the blows because We are working some things out of you and out in you. It’s got to come up and out to be eliminated – and We certainly know it’s not pretty or sweet-smelling. That’s why we provide mercy. Our mercy grabs your hand at the wrist. But we don’t reach out and slap you in retaliation. We keep deflecting those blows as long as your heart is toward Us. And, Kay, your heart really is toward Us, even when you’re mad.
Lord, is there a way to get rid of all the anger and anything else in there that’s been hidden? I don’t want it to have a place in me, especially knowing it could rise up and create some temporary havoc and chaos.
Trust Me, Kay. I’m working it out of you at the same time I’m working more of Me in you. Just as with patience, to build up your patience requires things that push the impatience button. For you to develop this muscle, this meekness muscle, you must face many situations where you have opportunity to explode in anger or walk away, until the time you are able to walk away and leave those feelings behind, as well.
Thank You so much, Lord. I do trust You. Thank You for “explaining Yourself.” I do receive much peace from getting a glimpse of what You are doing in me so more of You can be seen.
May this help you begin your new year with more peace and freedom in Christ!